This is a message on our expectations for one another. The other messages in this series are available here

Scripture Reading:
Acts 2:42-47

Expectations

Message Files / Archive / WHF

I feel really confident about this. In fact, I wrote some good questions for you.

So, who wants to ask the first question?

#1: “We can’t really have a dialogue if you are giving us pre-written questions. Aren’t you worried that what you’re doing will feel like manipulation?”

Wow, good question. I can see you guys aren’t going to pull any punches here. Let’s see... will it feel like manipulation? Hmm... Let me think. No.

Okay, next question.

#2: “Why are you so interested in talking about our expectations for one another? How did this topic arise for you?”

Another good question. Hey, this is going extremely well!

West Hills Friends is an amazing place. I can’t say this enough. I love all the artists we have in our community. And musicians. And writers. There is so much creative vitality here. I love that.

And I love being in a community with so many children. On Saturdays, I often go to a nearby coffee shop in order to write. Well, yesterday, the Barista offered me a free bowl of clam chowder. I had to say, “No thanks, I just got back from a baby shower. After all those cinnamon rolls and the egg casserole, I just don’t have room for clam chowder.” She was astounded: “Again?! You were just at a baby shower the last time I offered you a bowl of chowder.” Yep. The babies keep coming. I love that.

I love being in a community that works for peace and justice. I love being in a community that expects to laugh. I love being in a community where people listen for the voice of God. The list could go one and on. This is an amazing place. I am so grateful for each of you.

I like to think that some of our vitality at West Hills Friends comes from a willingness to stretch and grow. Instead of settling into a dull routine, we like to try new things. If you spend time with us, maybe you will walk the labyrinth. Maybe you will march for peace or spend your money on fried chicken that you will never eat. If you spend time with us, you will probably do things you’ve never done before. You will be invited to transformation.

This is a good place for people who like to explore new territory.

About five years ago, we started using a diagnostic tool for churches. Doesn’t that sound terrible? Who wants to use a diagnostic tool? It’s sounds like we’re Jiffy Lube. But we did it. We made use of this diagnostic tool. And we did it precisely because we want to stretch and grow. Instead of being complacent, we wanted to gather information on our growing edge. Basically, we wanted to improve.

So, what did we find out? We found out that our greatest strength is the love we have for one another. We scored very high in a category called “loving relationships.” I think most of us would agree that loving one another is a real priority for us. And it shows.

There is another category called, “functional structures.” This is the category where we have the most room for improvement. For three years, we have been sitting with this thing called “functional structures.” This sounds like something even worse than Jiffy Lube. It sounds like a W2 form. It sound like a factory. This is not a phrase to inspire us. And so, three years later, here we are.

#3: You lost me at Jiffy Lube. Precisely where are we? Exactly?

Right. We’re talking about our expectations for one another. I don’t think we’ll ever have a good conversation about “functional structures.” That phrase is so awkward that is sounds like a poorly written punch line. We just don’t care about “functional structures.”

But we do care about each other.

So, I’m trying to ask the question in a way that makes it clear: we are really talking about relationship. What can we expect from each other? That is a relationship question. It’s a question for people trying to live together. Without making any assumptions, let’s talk about what we can expect from each other.

Because if we don’t – if we’re not clear about what we can expect from each other – then someone is going to get hurt. Someone is going to say, “I thought I could expect this from you... and I didn’t get it.” That is the sound of a broken relationship.

I’m not saying that we have to meet every expectation. In fact, let me say the opposite: We do not have to meet every expectation. This is not about getting everyone to do more. Rather, we just have to be clear about where we are drawing the lines. We need to spell it out better than we do: this is what you can expect.

If you need childcare, this is what you can expect. If you need a loan, this is what you can expect. If you need a place to sleep while you get your life together, this is what you can expect. As a community, we have to decide where we want to draw the lines. And then we have to live with that decision.

#4: Are you sure this isn’t about getting everyone to do more work? Because that’s what it sounds like. It sounds like the answer is getting everyone to do more childcare (or to wash more dishes or to do whatever).

I’m telling you the truth. I don’t want people to feel guilty. I don’t want people to feel overburdened. I don’t want people to take on a job that is not theirs to do. It’s okay with me if everyone is doing less work in six months. It’s not about the work. It’s about relationship. How do we set up our lives together so people feel cared for and respected?

#5: You’re getting all this from a diagnostic tool?

No. It started with a diagnostic tool.

But I have been sitting with these ideas for several years now. Now, I can say, in my experience, having poorly defined expectations of one another can damage relationships. I gave you two examples in January and I will repeat them now.

When Derek left for Burundi, he felt a sense of broken relationship with West Hills Friends. He wanted something from us, and he wasn’t able to get it. I can’t think of anyone in this community more beloved than Derek Lamson. Everyone loves Derek. He is our blue-eyed balladeer. He is our spinner of yarns. We love Derek.

If Derek could come to a place where he felt a lack of support, then I have to believe anyone could come to that place.

Maybe we could have done more for Derek. Maybe Derek needed more clarity about the limits of what we could do. It doesn’t really matter. The point is, we had different expectations. And it damaged our relationship.

My other example is more general. In this community, those who take on the responsibilities of leadership routinely feel frustrated. Leaders who coordinate our childcare have said this. So have those who coordinate work projects or cleanup after potluck. These are not isolated complaints. The people who work to get us organized routinely feel frustrated or isolated or overburdened.

Maybe people in leadership are trying to shoulder too much responsibility. Maybe the rest of us don’t give them enough support. For the sake of this conversation, it doesn’t really matter. The point is, because we care about each other, we need to clarify our expectations.

Here’s a third example.

I want to read you an excerpt from an email I received this week. This one is from Maryellen. She wrote,“Wauline Devine called me to let me know she had been very sick and in ICU and in rehab. and in foster care. Isn't anyone at whf staying in touch with her except me? That is what I mean about whf pretty much forgetting people once they leave.” As you might guess, this is something of a theme for Maryellen. A few years ago, she moved to Massachusetts. And she feels genuinely hurt that we don’t do a better job of keeping in touch.

Should we do more? Is Maryellen being unreasonable? Again, for the sake of this conversation, it doesn’t matter. Maryellen’s question is symptomatic of something larger. How do we develop a shared sense of expectations?

#6: So what is your strategy for solving this problem? You keep telling us that we need to talk about our expectations. How do we get started? When do we get started?

This topic gives me butterflies every week. I’ll be glad when we’re done.

I don’t have a solution. Right now, I feel a sense of leading to place the matter before us. I hope that what I’m doing will build momentum for a good discussion. I hope I am giving us some common language and a common frame of reference.

This is an amazing group of people. I know we care about each other. I think we are strong enough to talk about our expectations without blaming or shaming or falling apart. Even so, it’s a little scary.

Let’s take some time after worship on March 4 to start a real conversation. If you have ideas or suggestions, please let me know.

Let’s go into open worship together, to see what questions or answers we may find in God’s presence.